The Tales of Bane Manhossing

Introduction

The Volcano raged with anger as the messenger made his way up. The clouds seemed to swirl like a vortex of doom above it. Ominous the sight was, but the message must be delivered, the world was in jeopardy. Finally the messenger came to the mouth of the volcano fortress. The steel doors of black iron a testament to the man... nay the god that lived within. This was the home of Bane Manhossing, slayer of the damned.

As the messenger knocked on the door thoughts of the rumors he had heard of Manhossing swirled in his head. The tales told that Manhossing was the first thing god created, but sealed him in the volcano because he was simply too awesome. When the devil tried to tempt Manhossing with promises of power and women, Manhossing pile drove him into the center of the Earth creating hell and imprisoning the devil there.

After creating hell, legend says on the 8th day of creation Manhossing dug his way out of hell using only his penis. After burrowing out, Manhossing used his diamond hard nipples to carve out his volcano fortress in the living stone of mount Fuckawesome.

Manhossing’s appearance was also mostly rumor. Some say he was twelve feet tall with hair that shown gold with the beauty of a god. Other’s say he didn’t actually have hair, but only flames that flowed like hair. Some said his eyes were red and shot balls of fire. Other’s said that his balls were what broke down the walls of Troy. All this was of course speculation and the messenger had no idea what to expect.

The messenger gathered his strength and knocked on the door three times. No sound was heard. Then out of the deafening silence the messenger heard it. It sounded like a tornado of hellfire was coming to devour all he knew.

The doors swung open with amazing speed and there before the messenger was Manhossing. The legends and rumors were of course wrong. Manhossing was thirteen feet tall and his hair was not blonde or fire, but black. Yes ordinary black… decorated with skulls and the bones of his enemies.

“I’LL SPEAR YOU WITH MY COCK!”

Looking down Manhossing realized that there was not a gaggle of wenches to pleasure him, but merely a lowly messenger. At the sight of this, Manhossing frowned.

At that moment out of the corner of his eye Manhossing saw a shark flying through the air at his face. The dreaded air sharks were a force to be reckoned with. Many a man had met his end at an air shark flying down from the heavens and devouring him. Manhossing narrowed his gaze at the oncoming shark and his green eyes shot black lightning, incinerating the shark in mid air. The messenger shit himself.

After leaving a smoldering heap of airshark on the lawn for the ants to devour Manhossing turned his attention back to the messenger.

“(Sigh) I see you’re not a gaggle of wenches.”

“No sire I am not.”

“Yes I could tell by your lack of boobies. Also now looking at you, there’s a strong chance of you having a wiener.”

“Yes I do in fact have a wiener sire.”

“Well what do you want?”

“You’re needed sire.”

“Needed? What do you mean?”

“Evil has returned.”

“Ah yes Ms. Evil. I’ll never forget that night of hardcore eroktosizm. The touch of soft silk, the smell of Pina Colada butt oil, me making it out of bed before she awoke to realize I stole all her toilet paper, yes a magical night.”

“Two things sire. First I believe the word you are looking for is ‘eroticism’.”

“Yes that’s what I said erogitosism.”

“Of course sire. Secondly I believe the time you’re describing is a one night stand with a woman. You’re job as I am told is slayer of the unnatural and damned, hence defeating EVIL.”

“Ohhh you mean “EVIL” Evil of course of course, I’m assuming the King wants to see me?”

“Yes sire.”

“Well run back and tell him Manhossing will arrive in an hour.”

“Yes sire.”

With that the messenger began walking back to the kingdom.

“Time for Manhossing to do some serious face crushing again is it. Excellent it has been so long since I head butted a beast back to hell that I have almost forgot what it felt like. Well I suppose it’s time to suit up.”

Manhossing went to his personal armory to retrieve the artifacts he required. First he grabbed his sword. Manhossing’s sword was a 600lb mammoth, made of human bones and dragon teeth. Its name was Daisy.

Daisy in itself was a sword of legend, being an instrument in so many deaths the sword was world renown. As the legend goes Daisy was forged by the dark wizard Blaambo. The sword took Blaambo sixty years to complete and was his finest work. A sword that could not be defeated would surely allow Blaambo to rule the world. As the story goes minutes after completion Bane Manhossing strode into Blaambo’s castle walked straight up to him and punched his head so hard Blaambo’s head exploded. Because of the irony of Blaambo creating an unbeatable sword and being killed so easily a few minutes later, Daisy was blessed with the power of irony. Daisy does not rend flesh; instead any wound inflicted on an enemy instantly transforms them into something ironic. About five seconds after transformation the enemy explodes, the magnitude of the explosion depending on how ironic the death was. This was the power of Daisy.

After grabbing Daisy, Manhossing grabbed his golden banana hammock that looked like an elephants face. Lastly he went to the stable where his trusted steed sat.

“Horse we got killin’ to do.”

“Oh really so I get to actually kill something?”

“You got it buddy ready to head out?”

“You fucking know it!”

“Manhossing leapt atop Horse (who was actually a T-Rex), screamed then a flash of lightning shot down and they were gone.”

Back at the castle the entire kingdom had shown to see the utter display of power that was Bane Manhossing. Foam fingers and Manhossing t-shirts were sold on every street corner. All of a sudden the sky darkened and the wind began to howl. The children felt fear grip their chest and the old went inside to escape the horror of what was to come. With a flash, a bolt of lightning leapt from the sky down into the castle courtyard. The crowd shat themselves.

The sight was both horrendous and awe inspiring. Strange yet familiar, the tension was heavy in the air. From the crater arose a being that no words could describe. Manhossing had arrived on his trusted steed Horse the T-Rex.

The King rushed forward to greet Manhossing, the man that until now was thought only a legend.

“Bane Manhossing your reputation precedes you, this kingdom and I personally thank you with all our heart.

Manhossing stood facing the king and lit up a cigarette, and jumped down from Horse. He farted then lit the fart on fire using his cigarette.

Horse rolled his eyes and looked around at all the awe inspired people.

“Anything you wish shall be yours Manhossing while you prepare for the coming battle.”

“I see… I’ll need a place to stay.”

“Excellent you shall room in the castle.”

“I’ll also need to have sex with every woman in the village.”

“Well… I don’t know if their husbands would…”

Before the king’s sentence was finished, Manhossing whipped out his dick which blinded half the town. After this demonstration the men fought over whose wife would get the honor of doing Manhossing first.

“I’d also like a bowl of cereal.”

“Cereal sir?”

“Yes of course cereal, do you not know how to make cereal? Pathetic fool, pour nails into a bowl and then pour whiskey over it.”

“Yes of course sir. And would should we do with your… um… steed?”

“Oh just let him roam he’ll find somewhere to stay.”

Manhossing first chose the hottest skank in the village. Her name was Skankatross and she was ready for anything. Manhossing picked her up, and then threw her like a football through the castle wall into the bed 300 yards away. After the show of force, he leapt the same distance into the bed.

“I’ve heard stories of you Bane Manhossing” skankatross giggled.

“All you need to know wench is that I like boobies and my dick is nicknamed The Hammer of Thor. Bitch you’re about to ride the lightning.”

“Oh baby I like that.” said Skankatross grinning.

“And what should I call you’re nuts then?"

“I call them The Balls.”

Skankatross could hold back no longer and mounted Manhossing like a succubus on crack. As they made love that night, they were soothed by the sweet sounds of Horse eating the children of the town and terrorizing the villagers.

Weeks later after Manhossing had ruined every woman in town he decided to dine with the king. Manhossing thought it a good idea to inquire more about the villain he was to destroy, then anally rape to prove dominance.

“I have come to dine with you.”

“Yes, yes, of course Manhossing sit wherever you want.”

“I want to ask you more about this villain that has terrorized the land.”

“Well sir there will be plenty of time for that, but first I would like to hear some of your tales. I know that you have had many adventures and thwarted many foes, would you please tell me some of these? I would be most grateful if you did.”

“Alright I’ll enlighten you, but first you must do me something.”

“Yes anything.”

“Bring that sexy wench over here and tell her to cover my chest in chips and cheese.”

“Chips and cheese sir?”

“Yes I enjoy cooking nachos using the intense heat from my chest."

“Oh... of course sir.”

“I guess I’ll start with The Werewolf King.”